Strong tycoons, no boyfriend since Bert and other boob-tube booboos

ILLUSTRATION BY NASTASHA VERAYO-DE VILLA

Host: How have you motivated your students and graduates to also become successful entrepreneurs like you?

Guest: I teach them to be very aware of the effects of the early decisions they make. They should act decisively and not let opportunities pass by—they’re like signs of pork on a crossroad!

(Thanks for the “meaty” words of wisdom—oink, oink!)

Host: What is your evaluation of the weather picture of the country so far this year?

Guest: So far, we’re doing better. But, we should not relax because there may still be strong tycoons coming up!

(Oh, yes, some of those business tycoons can be so—blustery!)

Advice

Host: What is your advice to young people who want to become stars in show biz?

Guest: First, you have to be talented and beautiful, then you should be entertaining and scareless.

(Ah, would  fearless be the word you’re looking for?)

Host: Can we get personal for a moment? You’ve been so busy lately, but how’s your love life?

Guest: You know, the truth is that I’ve been so busy that I have no love life. In fact, I’m one of those people.

Host: What people?

Guest: You know, the people they call no boyfriend since bert?

(Hey, do tell us all about Bert!)

Many highs

Host: Have you ever thought about retiring?

Guest: Oh, not yet. I love performing so much! When i perform, I feel so alive, I reach so many highs!

(—Uh, just between us, are you on any watch list?)

Host: What is your advice to other young women who want to win beauty pageants?

Guest: Just remember, it starts with you. To win above the rest, you have to put that thing—you know, the confident?

(—And that made you win?!)

Host: Why don’t you invite foreigners to visit our country?

Guest: With pleasure! To all foreigners and tourists, we all invite you to enjoy our beautiful country—from Aparri to Hello!

(—Hey, you’ve just coined a new slogan for Philippine tourism!)

So young

Host: What did you think of our young contestant’s performance?

Segment talent tilt judge: I was so impressed. He’s still so young and already so unprofessional!

(Is that what you call—a left-handed compliment?)

Host: Tell us more about the contest you’re promoting.

Guest: It has a lot of big prizes and even a trip abroad, so everybody please join—you have only a week ago!

(Ano raw?!)

Host: How did your recent class reunion go?

Guest: Oh, we had a great time reminiscing, drinking and laughing—I was beery happy!

(Wow, tagay naman diyan!)

Host: Some people say that your acting is too safe and predictable. Why don’t you do more challenging roles to prove them wrong?

Guest: Because I don’t like to be pulled out of my comfort zone!

(Where’s that—under a rock?)