Mature singing contest, teddy beers, slice in the sky and other boob-tube booboos

ILLUSTRATION BY JEVON E. LUMAGUI

Host: What is your hope for our nation?

Official: I hope we will have the optimism not to keep looking down at our problems, but to look up and find, like, a slice in the sky!

(You mean, like flying pizza?)

* * *

Host: How long have you been singing?

Guest: Bata pa lang ako, sumasali na ako sa mature singing contest.

(How—precocious!)

* * *

Host: What is the right attitude if you join a contest?

Guest: Just do your best—you either you win or you lose!

(You’re so right—you!)

* * *

Host: I hear you have a room full of toys?

Guest: Oh, yes, I love toys!

Host: What is your favorite toy in the whole world?

Guest: Oh, I really love—teddy beers!

(—Bottoms up!)

Owning guns

Host: Why are you against most people owning guns?

Guest: Because many people are happy triggers!

(Ah, don’t you mean—trigger-happy?)

* * *

Host: What are our country’s biggest exports?

Guest: Ah, I think—our singers?

(Oh, right—the really big ones!)

* * *

Host: Why is your resort so popular?

Guest: Of course, our beautiful beach and tourist sights for a smooth vacation. —And we also don’t allow violence.

(You mean, other resorts do?!)

* * *

Host: Why do you prefer to do comedy rather than drama?

Guest: I don’t know—but, if I do drama, I feel—nahihiya ako  to shed shameless tears!

(Wow, when you put it that way—!)

* * *

Host: Why did you say yes to your new boyfriend?

Guest: Because, he’s like a horse.

Host: What do you mean?!

Guest: He was so fast to propose—ang bilis!

(What a relief—for a moment there, we didn’t know where you were going with that equine analogy . . .)

* * *

Host: What’s so special about your new beauty product?

Guest: It’s economical, yet it does many different things. Aside from getting rid of pimples, it also widens your skin.

(Uh, thanks—but no, we don’t want that!)