Doormat account, shave the world and other boob-tube booboos

HOST: WHY are you so mad at this particular candidate?

Guest: He doesn’t know how to behave! A public official is expected to be crutches and polite!

(Crutches? Crutches? —Oh, courteous and polite!)

* * *

Host: As you go around the campaign trail, what have you noticed about the reactions of the people you meet?

Guest: The way they talk, I think in many voters’ minds, by now, they have already made up!

(—What does makeup have to do with voting?)

* * *

Host: What can you say to the other reform-minded people out there?

Guest: We cannot do it one by one. We have to unite our efforts to shave the world!

(Shaving the world? That’s a tall order!)

* * *

Host: Who among the many starlets out there in show biz this year do you think has a bright future?

Guest: I’m not sure, but I think one of the promising ones is—Elbo Magalona?

(—Well, at least he didn’t say “elbow macaroni!”)

* * *

Host: What are the don’ts in your resort—ano ang bawal?

Guest: Bawal ang foods and deadly weapons!

(—Not necessarily in that order?)

* * *
Host: What don’t you like about the guys who are courting you?

Guest: Oh, so many of them, just to get you, they are lying in their teeth!

(Quote, unquote!)

* * *

Host: What is your advice to voters on May 9?

Guest: Mag-isip muna ang mga butanding bago bumoto!

(Paano pumasok ang mga butanding dito? —Oh, botante!)

* * *

Host: What caused your recent breakup with (name of starlet)?

Guest: Oh, it was just some shorts of miscommunication.

(—How short were the miscommunicating shorts?)

* * *

Host: When are you planning to propose to your girlfriend?

Guest: I think this coming Valentimes!

(—How many “times?”)

* * *

Host: Why did you close this particular deposit of yours in (name of bank)?

Guest: I had to—it was a doormat account!

(Did you use it to wipe your feet on?)