Gigi de Lana. Image: Screengrab from YouTube/Toni Gonzaga Studio
An emotional Gigi de Lana confessed that she still blames herself for not being able to take care of her mother, who died of breast cancer last May.
De Lana looked back at her mom’s cancer battle and eventual death in a sit-down interview with Toni Gonzaga, which was uploaded on the latter’s YouTube channel on Sunday, Sept. 10, saying she’s still reeling from her loss.
“Sa ngayon, Ate [Toni] hindi ko alam. Para akong naliligaw pa rin until now, lalo na noong nawala ang mom ko,” she said, while sharing that she still struggles with going through her day-to-day life.
“At tsaka noong nawala si Mama, ‘yung mundo ko, sobrang bigat. Para akong inalisan ng kaluluwa sa katawan ko, kasi siya lahat everytime na kumakanta ako. Siya ‘yung motivation ko para sa kanya lagi, until now,” she continued.
(At the moment, Ate Toni, I don’t know. I still feel lost until now especially when I lost my Mom. And when Mom died, my world became heavier. It’s like my soul was ripped out of me. She’s my motivation with every song I sing, until now.)
The singer-songwriter recalled that their last conversation took place through a video call while she was in Canada for a scheduled concert.
“Nasa hotel ako t’as naka-tube [na si Mama], groggy pa siya and ‘di na nagrereact ang face nila. And [habang] nagkekwento ako, ang reaction lang niya is kumunot ang noo niya,” she said. “Pagka-off ko and habang nasa shower ako, kinausap ko na si Lord. Sabi ko, ‘Lord, okay na po. Kunin mo na siya.’”
When asked why she gave this particular request, the singer-songwriter shared that seeing her mother in pain hurt her deeply. But shortly after her prayer, she was informed by her family that her mother had passed away.
“Hirap na hirap na siya, Ate Toni. ‘Yung face niya, namamaga na, in pain. After ko maligo may tumatawag na pagkasagot ko lahat sila, nag-iiyakan. And then shocked ako and then ‘yung Mama ko nawala na,” she said.
“[Akala ko okay na ako] pero noong nawala, hindi pala. Hindi ako okay… hindi ako okay until now. Sinisisi ko kasi ang sarili ko kung bakit siya lumala nang ganyan. Kasi wala akong pera una, hindi ko siya mapagamot. Mag-isa lang ako, at siya lang din ‘yung lakas ko, siya lang,” added de Lana while crying.
(She’s suffering so much, Ate Toni. Her face was swelling from pain. After my bath, I received a call where everyone was crying. I was shocked that my Mom was gone. I thought I was okay, but when she died, I wasn’t really okay. I’m still not okay until now. I blame myself for why her condition got worse. I don’t have enough money to have her treated. I was alone. She was my only strength.)
De Lana then recalled that despite being in a daze after her mom’s death, she insisted on going on with the concert as a tribute to the latter. “My mom wanted me na ituloy ‘yun, in spirit mapapanood niya ako (My mom wanted me to continue. She could watch me in spirit).”
The singer requested for her mother’s remains to be frozen for the time being, so she could still see her when she came home to the Philippines. As she moved forward with her life, de Lana confessed that she was somehow relieved that her mother was free from the pain.
“Sobrang lungkot pero a part of me ay masaya kasi tapos na ‘yung paghihirap niya. She has been battling cancer for six years, ang tagal kaya it’s time na rin to rest (It’s sad but a part of me because her suffering is done. She has been battling for six years. It was a long time but it’s time to rest),” she said.