Deafening return for shape-shifting robots
If you go by what Hollywood would have moviegoers believe, it looks like John F. Kennedy was involved in a number of covert missions we have not been told about – as if JFK’s own life wasn’t colorfully cinematic enough!
In “X-Men: First Class,” Kennedy found himself embroiled in a diplomatic impasse with Cuba and the Soviet Union over nuclear disarmament that could have spiraled into World War Three. In Michael Bay’s “Transformers: Dark of the Moon,” Hollywood once again tweaks historical fact into cinematic fiction by having JFK and Richard Nixon conceal the “real” reason behind man’s historic landing on the moon on July 20, 1969.
Apparently, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin’s momentous walk on the lunar surface was more than just “exploratory.” In Bay’s really tall tale, they were sent to the moon to investigate a Cybertronian space cargo ship that crash-landed on its surface during the “dark of the moon” (the last three days of the lunar cycle, immediately preceding the New Moon) – and Bay’s movie even has Aldrin, now 81 years old, “confirming” this revelation in a cameo appearance! Such relentless “inventiveness.”
The extraterrestrial cargo carries magical pillars that possess the ability to create space bridges that Megatron and his nasty Decepticons can use to teleport Cybertron, the robots’ home planet, into Earth’s orbit – where they intend to rebuild their barren world from scratch – using humans as slaves! But, not if Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), Optimus Prime, Bumble Bee and their gang of helpful Autobots can help it!
Sam isn’t too happy with his personal life, either: He bemoans his inability to find a suitable job – despite having saved the world twice! And, his lovely new girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who has replaced the feisty Megan Fox), doesn’t seem to mind the advances of her dashing boss, Dylan (Patrick Dempsey).
Epic scope
Initially, Bay didn’t want to use 3D for his movie (he shot more than half the footage with three-dimensional cameras), because he finds it “gimmicky” – but, the extra “dimensions” he creates as he “sculpts through space” using 3D technology lend themselves well to the epic scope and nature of his sci-fi caper.
Yes, “Dark of the Moon” is better than 2009’s clunky “Revenge of the Fallen,” the franchise’s second instalment – but, it’s also more bloated and, at two hours and 34 minutes, unnecessarily protracted. Two-thirds along the exposition, the deafening noise and incessant spatial disorientation you are exposed to could exhaust you, and your empathy for the metallic shape-shifters, as well as the people who perish in the ensuing chaos, flies out the window – and into the black hole!
And, if you’re not familiar with the 2000-plus robots in the Transformers universe, you’ll have a hard time figuring out the Constructicons and Combiners from the rest of their shape-shifting cohorts.
To compensate for the scene-stealing presence of their humongous costars, and apparently in deference to Bay’s aversion to subtlety, Frances McDormand, John Turturro, John Malkovich and the loony Ken Jeong turn in amusingly campy portrayals.
But, when the robots begin ripping through buildings and vaporizing humans as they sow eye-popping mayhem everywhere, “Dark of the Moon’s” human protagonists “vanish” into the background as they cede the spotlight to the “real stars” of Bay’s assaultive – and exhausting – cinematic spectacle!
