Additional Hills, Swisterland, tailorate and other boob-tube booboos

ILLUSTRATION BY NASTASHA VERAYO-DE VILLA

HOST: When you came from the province to try your luck in show biz here, how did you survive on your own?

Guest: I was lucky to live with a generous uncle.

Host: Where was his house?

Guest: In Additional Hills.

(“Addition” will do just fine, thanks—no extra hills needed!)

***

Host: So, your relatives helped you?

Guest: They tried, but I still had problems—psychologically.

Host: Like what?

Guest: From all the disappointments in my career and love life, I had a nerbiyos breakdown!

(Nakakanerbiyos ka talaga!)

***

Host: Of all the beautiful countries in the world, what would you most want to visit?

Guest: Oh, definitely, Swisterland!

(Or, even more appropriately for what you’re doing now, Twisterland!)

***

Host: Why has your restaurant become so popular in only a very short time?

Guest: Definitely, because of our delicious dishes. Our diners endure our dishes so much up to the end of each meal!

(Ah, we hope you meant to say—enjoy?)

***

Host: What can you say to a woman who wants to change her boyfriend or husband for the better?

Guest: My advice is—don’t, it’s impossible. You know how the saying goes, “A leper can never remove his spots?”

(—No, that’s not how the saying goes!)

***

Host: Of all the chairs you’ve designed, why do you like this particular chair most of all?

Guest: Simply, for comfort—hindi siya masikip sa leg.

(Ah, so…)

***

Host: When you meet a person who’s so yabang, what do you feel like telling him?

Guest: “Please, do not sariling bangko!”

(May missing word yata…)

***

Host: For people who want to act onstage, what’s most important?

Guest: They have to clearly pronounce all the consonant and bowel!

(You mean, like you’re doing now?)

***

Host: What’s your evaluation of the success of your career, all told?

Guest: All told, it’s a success—despite some sabits.

(Do tell!)

***

Host: How do you like the new administration?

Guest: It has some controversies, but I like it because it does not tailorate corruption.

(Ay, tailorate!)

***

Host: Tell us about a recent experience that frustrated you.

Guest: Oh, recently, I needed medicines so I went to a boutique—but I did not find any medicines there. I was really frustrated!

(You should have gone to a botika, not a boutique. —There’s a difference!)