Additional Hills, Swisterland, tailorate and other boob-tube booboos
ILLUSTRATION BY NASTASHA VERAYO-DE VILLA
HOST: When you came from the province to try your luck in show biz here, how did you survive on your own?
Guest: I was lucky to live with a generous uncle.
Host: Where was his house?
Guest: In Additional Hills.
(“Addition” will do just fine, thanks—no extra hills needed!)
***
Host: So, your relatives helped you?
Guest: They tried, but I still had problems—psychologically.
Host: Like what?
Guest: From all the disappointments in my career and love life, I had a nerbiyos breakdown!
(Nakakanerbiyos ka talaga!)
***
Host: Of all the beautiful countries in the world, what would you most want to visit?
Guest: Oh, definitely, Swisterland!
(Or, even more appropriately for what you’re doing now, Twisterland!)
***
Host: Why has your restaurant become so popular in only a very short time?
Guest: Definitely, because of our delicious dishes. Our diners endure our dishes so much up to the end of each meal!
(Ah, we hope you meant to say—enjoy?)
***
Host: What can you say to a woman who wants to change her boyfriend or husband for the better?
Guest: My advice is—don’t, it’s impossible. You know how the saying goes, “A leper can never remove his spots?”
(—No, that’s not how the saying goes!)
***
Host: Of all the chairs you’ve designed, why do you like this particular chair most of all?
Guest: Simply, for comfort—hindi siya masikip sa leg.
(Ah, so…)
***
Host: When you meet a person who’s so yabang, what do you feel like telling him?
Guest: “Please, do not sariling bangko!”
(May missing word yata…)
***
Host: For people who want to act onstage, what’s most important?
Guest: They have to clearly pronounce all the consonant and bowel!
(You mean, like you’re doing now?)
***
Host: What’s your evaluation of the success of your career, all told?
Guest: All told, it’s a success—despite some sabits.
(Do tell!)
***
Host: How do you like the new administration?
Guest: It has some controversies, but I like it because it does not tailorate corruption.
(Ay, tailorate!)
***
Host: Tell us about a recent experience that frustrated you.
Guest: Oh, recently, I needed medicines so I went to a boutique—but I did not find any medicines there. I was really frustrated!
(You should have gone to a botika, not a boutique. —There’s a difference!)
