illustration by nastasha verayo-de villa
Host: Are you a religious person?
Guest: Yes, very—I’m what you call Catolico sagrado.
(Actually, we call you Catolico cerrado!)
***
Host: What advice can you give young people today to live a good, meaningful life?
Guest: It’s what I follow myself in my own life—you just have to dood good.
(Ah, thanks a lot—Mr. Manzano!)
***
Host: If you could be convinced to join a beauty pageant—
Guest: No, I don’t want to—
Host: But, if you could be convinced, what kind of pageant would you choose?
Guest: If—if only, ha?—it would have to be a beauty pageant for a cost.
(Cost? Cause? —Oh, never mind!)
***
Host: Tell us about your neighborhood, your community here.
Guest: Ang mga matatanda dito, puro senior citizen.
(—We should hope so!)
Business venture
Host: Why did you quit your full-time office job and start your small business venture?
Guest: Because, let’s face it, my office job was not enough financially compintating.
(—Ano daw?)
***
Host: How can a new singer win a big singing contest, like you have? Give them some tips.
Guest: Most important, you have to think of something, a gimmick, na gusto mo ma-outshine!
(Outshine? Shine-out? —Mali pa rin!)
***
Host: As a fashion designer, why do you favor using belts in your gown and dress designs?
Guest: Because with a belt, you’ll see a waist especially if you’re bigger.
(—Ah, please translate?)
***
Host: What other pointers, can you share for looking fashionable, or for covering up a physical flaw?
Guest: If you have a problem like height, think of what you should wear if you want to heighter!
(Tagalugin mo na kasi…)
Formal date
Host: What should a girl wear on a formal date if she wants to impress her boyfriend?
Guest: A long gown is always good to impress—unless she doesn’t want the hassle of wearing trains.
(Oh yes, wearing trains is such a heavy hassle!)
***
Host: Why did you quit your call center job?
Guest: Because, as an agent, I have like few earnings there!
(We know what you, mean…)
****
Host: How about the best makeup, what can you advise our viewers who want to look great on a special date?
Guest: For the best makeup, just make sure that your foundation is bended.
(Bended? Blended? —Huwag lang bent!)
***
Host: Why did you choose your signature model as the best one to promote your new line of eye makeup?
Guest: Because she’s very Asian in projection—she has an almond eye.
(Let’s hope she has two of them!)
Best hairstyle
Host: Now let’s talk about hairstyles—what is the best hairstyle for an evening affair or event?
Guest: The choice is so wide, depends sa ’chura.
(Hmp, ’chura lang!)
***
Host: Why are you feuding with (name of starlet)?
Guest: Because she keeps saying things against me and then the next time, she’s sobrang papuri naman. —Ang gulo, masyadong maraming kutkut balungut!
(Ay, kutkut! Ay, balungut!)
***
Host: As a caregiver by profession, how many people have you cared for since you started?
Guest: Four before—but I don’t know if they’re still alive…
(You aren’t very good at your job, are you?!)