Implausibilities throw Kim-Xian starrer out of whack

Some actors insist that the public should judge them, not for their tabloid-fodder private lives, but for the quality of their work—and they’re right. If we go by that criterion, using Mae Cruz-Alviar’s alternately kooky and hokey rom-com, “Past Tense,” the “assessment” wouldn’t be flattering for Kim Chiu and Xian Lim—the same tandem that conjured up screen magic in Alviar’s “Bride For Rent” early this year. But, an actor is only as good—or as bad as his last project.

Straight off the bat, Alviar throws the latest Kim-Xian starrer out of whack by making moviegoers suspend disbelief that Ai-Ai delas Alas is—Kim’s older self!

Ai-Ai portrays Rosabelle Garcia, who wakes up from a coma in 2034—20 years after a vehicular accident leaves her hanging on to dear life!

LIM AND CHIU. Friends in love

Before that life-threatening trauma, Belle’s younger self (Chiu) found herself in the midst of a confounding three-way-romance involving the hunky but duplicitous man-about-town she thought she loved, Carlos Santillan (Daniel Matsunaga), and her best friend, Babs Razon (Xian Lim in a fat suit), who has secret feelings for her.

It’s easy to root for Xian and Kim’s picture-perfect love team. But, as Alviar steers her “kwela” movie into riskier territory, she crams overenthusiastic supporting kooks who aren’t as lovable.

Enter Papa Time (Benjie Paras), a supernatural clown who allows Belle to hopscotch through time and “arranges” a fairy tale ending for her and her best friend, before she’s whisked back into the “future”—by making the damsel in romantic distress see the error of her ways!

Ai-Ai’s mission isn’t just “corrective,” but also transformative: To make her younger self see her best friend in a romantic light, she has four months to turn Babs’ 270 lb flab into six-pack abs! But, that’s easier said than done—and time is running out! Can she transform the self-effacing “frog” into a dashing Prince?

Thrilling

Yes, the film has swoon-worthy moments, especially when the production makes Ai-Ai “take a break” by focusing on Kim and Xian’s characters. It’s thrilling to see the young couple getting caught in revealing moments of intimate cuddle as “Hey, It’s Me” plays in the background.

But, it doesn’t take long for the movie’s flaws—from hackneyed dialogue (“Are you deaf with an F?”), ineffective gags and kitschy but vague characterizations—to reveal that, beyond its intended aw-shucks humor, there isn’t much beneath its shallow surface.

The film is weighed down by frothy implausibilities (not the least of which is a mind-boggling obstetrical “miracle” in the happily-ever-after finale) used to reanimate its musty narrative twists, leaving its lead actors looking stranded in characters that generate little romantic tension, as well as “deus ex machina” situations marred by clichés, simplifications and facile resolutions. It relies heavily on recycled thrills and a checklist of soulless, fan-hooking gimmicks!

The grossly miscast Ai-Ai is the film’s weakest link—she’s loud, isn’t funny and, as with many of her movies, she’s all over the place! If there’s one thing she’s “good” at, it’s playing to the peanut gallery—incessantly and tenaciously. But, then again, there are “enlightened” award-giving bodies out there that are all too ready to give her “awards” for this tired and tiresome shtick. Weh.

Xian also fails to rise above predictable casting—but, at least, he’s appropriately cast and looks cute, even in a fat suit! Daniel Matsunaga looks like he hasn’t been told how an actor’s motivation could help establish conflict in a screen romance.

Kim and other rom-com actresses can learn a thing or two about greater believability and versatility from the prodigious “dramedic” juggling acts of Angelica Panganiban in “That Thing Called Tadhana” and “Beauty In A Bottle.”

In an attempt to replicate her thespic triumph in “Bride For Rent,” Kim vigorously milks her role for its histrionic appeal, but only ends up looking like a sillier and shallower version of Rocky, her adorable character in “Bride.” —Indeed, lightning doesn’t strike in the same place twice!