Weather fore cat, blue-by-blue account and other boob-tube booboos

Illustration by NASTASHA VERAYO

News anchor: What do we have for our viewers tonight?

Coanchor: Since the weather is so bad, why don’t we start with the weather fore cat?

(Ah, she didn’t show up—you know how cats hate getting wet!)

***

Host: So, is your new restaurant ready for the big opening?

Guest: Almost, except for the antique front door, it’s just nearly painted.

(How can anything be “nearly” painted?)

***

Host: What advice do you have for young people who want to succeed like you?

Guest: Above all, kailangan sa kanila, make sure na manatili pa rin ang humble!

(Do tell!)

***

Host: What to you is beauty?

Contestant: Ah, for me, beauty is not the only quality of a prison!

(We hope not!)

***

Host: What are the signs of a really promising cook?

Guest: First, a real cook is not allowed to use adjectives.

(Adjectives? Adjectives? —Oh, additives!)

Disturbance

Newscaster: What’s the latest on the weather for tomorrow?

Guest: The weather disturbance seen earlier today is not expected to become a typhoon, but it’s intensing the rainy season!

(Congratulations, you’ve just coined a new word!)

***

Host: What did you do when you suspected that your husband was fooling around?

Guest: I followed him like FIB, to catch him in the act!

(FIB? FIB? —Oh, you mean the FBI!)

***

Host: So, did your friend (name of celebrity) really quit the production?

Guest: Yes, she really did.

Host: For sure? How did you know?

Guest: Because she gave me a blue-by-blue account!

(That colorful, huh?)

***

Anchor: Do you have any update on the jailbreak last night?

Field reporter: Yes, the latest development is that some escaped convicts have already been captured. Ang iba namang mga puga, kusang tumakas!

Anchor: —Ano?

Field reporter: Ah, correction, kusang sumuko pala!

(No comment!)

Civic group

Host: What did your civic group do after your recent medical mission?

Guest: After that, namigay kami ng mga giveaway!

(—Obvious ba? Kaya nga “giveaway” ang tawag doon, ’no?)

***

Host: What is your new goal for yourself this year?

Guest: I want to learn something new!

Host: Oh, like what?

Guest: Gusto kong maging tetchie!

(—As in Tetchie Agbayani? —Oh, you mean techie!)

***

Host: What have you learned about life so far?

Guest: I’ve learned to simplify. Like, I learned that you don’t need all this fancy thing you need!

(That sounds so profound, but what does it mean?)

***

Host: What made shooting your new movie especially hard?

Guest: It was fun, but it was hard because we had to do it in such a short time of time!

(Isa ka pa!)

***

Host: What irritates you these days?

Guest: When you go out without any money, so you go to withdraw, but there are some defective LBM machines, so wala din—!

(Anong LBM? —ATM!)