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Weather fore cat, blue-by-blue account and other boob-tube booboos

/ 12:17 AM July 26, 2014

Illustration by NASTASHA VERAYO

News anchor: What do we have for our viewers tonight?

Coanchor: Since the weather is so bad, why don’t we start with the weather fore cat?

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(Ah, she didn’t show up—you know how cats hate getting wet!)

***

FEATURED STORIES

Host: So, is your new restaurant ready for the big opening?

Guest: Almost, except for the antique front door, it’s just nearly painted.

(How can anything be “nearly” painted?)

***

Host: What advice do you have for young people who want to succeed like you?

Guest: Above all, kailangan sa kanila, make sure na manatili pa rin ang humble!

(Do tell!)

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***

Host: What to you is beauty?

Contestant: Ah, for me, beauty is not the only quality of a prison!

(We hope not!)

***

Host: What are the signs of a really promising cook?

Guest: First, a real cook is not allowed to use adjectives.

(Adjectives? Adjectives? —Oh, additives!)

Disturbance

Newscaster: What’s the latest on the weather for tomorrow?

Guest: The weather disturbance seen earlier today is not expected to become a typhoon, but it’s intensing the rainy season!

(Congratulations, you’ve just coined a new word!)

***

Host: What did you do when you suspected that your husband was fooling around?

Guest: I followed him like FIB, to catch him in the act!

(FIB? FIB? —Oh, you mean the FBI!)

***

Host: So, did your friend (name of celebrity) really quit the production?

Guest: Yes, she really did.

Host: For sure? How did you know?

Guest: Because she gave me a blue-by-blue account!

(That colorful, huh?)

***

Anchor: Do you have any update on the jailbreak last night?

Field reporter: Yes, the latest development is that some escaped convicts have already been captured. Ang iba namang mga puga, kusang tumakas!

Anchor: —Ano?

Field reporter: Ah, correction, kusang sumuko pala!

(No comment!)

Civic group

Host: What did your civic group do after your recent medical mission?

Guest: After that, namigay kami ng mga giveaway!

(—Obvious ba? Kaya nga “giveaway” ang tawag doon, ’no?)

***

Host: What is your new goal for yourself this year?

Guest: I want to learn something new!

Host: Oh, like what?

Guest: Gusto kong maging tetchie!

(—As in Tetchie Agbayani? —Oh, you mean techie!)

***

Host: What have you learned about life so far?

Guest: I’ve learned to simplify. Like, I learned that you don’t need all this fancy thing you need!

(That sounds so profound, but what does it mean?)

***

Host: What made shooting your new movie especially hard?

Guest: It was fun, but it was hard because we had to do it in such a short time of time!

(Isa ka pa!)

***

Host: What irritates you these days?

Guest: When you go out without any money, so you go to withdraw, but there are some defective LBM machines, so wala din—!

(Anong LBM? —ATM!)

Click here for more weather related news.

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