Damage control in show business

The recently concluded entertainment season was particularly acrimonious and scandal-prone, as a number of stars were caught with their proverbial pants and knickers down. Worst of all were the shockeroos in which both of the contentious parties involved were popular luminaries, once madly in love with each other but now in foaming and rabid hate-hate mode, washing their dirty laundry in full view of the gossip-mongering public.

Stinky mess

Of course, even noncelebrities sometimes make a huge, stinky mess of their lives. In fact, some “ordinary” people’s behavior is so scandalous that it would make stellar “sins” look positively venial—and banal. But, they aren’t gossiped about in the media, precisely because they aren’t stellar—and therein lies our instructive tale:

Since stars have profitable careers that earn them millions of pesos a year, the minute they’re caught in a scandal, their managers and other handlers act with alacrity and go on “damage control” mode to counteract the negative effects that the stinking mess can have on the stars’ high-flying and top-grossing careers. How do they do it? All would-be celebrities, listen and learn:

First, deny, deny, deny. Even if nasty rumors are all too true, the star wasn’t involved, he wasn’t even around—in fact, he was on a relief mission to help those poor flood victims in Mindanao!

Now, if the game is up and 10 eyewitnesses place the erring star at the scene of the “crime,” the damage-control experts (without skipping a beat) admit that the star was there, but he definitely wasn’t involved. It was somebody who looked like him, or it was his cousin or driver, but not him.

Red herring

This is the red herring or scapegoat maneuver, and handlers like using it because it sometimes works—or, at least, it deflects the public’s attention from the star by confusing it and placing the accuracy of its perception in doubt. This buys the star’s “defense team” more time, and that’s a decided advantage, because rumors are at their deadliest in the biz when they’re hot and new.

Now, if all of these distractions don’t do the trick, the damage-control experts can finally admit that the erring star was involved, but he wasn’t at fault.

It was the other guy or girl who took the first inimical step, or struck the first blow, or had a deadly weapon, or a bunch of goons—

and the poor, misunderstood star can’t be faulted for merely defending himself, can he?

But, if after all of these clever moves the star doesn’t get off the hook, he can still beat the rap and keep his career viable by humbly, abjectly (with the appropriate tears falling perfectly on cue, please) owning up to his “mistake”—and absolutely and “sincerely” promising never to do it again.

Rehab! Why not?

To make that vow trendily believable, he can voluntarily go on rehab—that gets them all the time. Of course, it would be better if the rehab therapy did work—right, Robert Downey Jr.? That’s a key lesson that the recidivist the likes of Lindsay Lohan still has to learn …

The plot thickens further when the contentious parties in the stellar scandal are both luminaries—each with his or her own team of damage-control experts! Whose ploys will convince the public to favor one star over the other?

Ah, this is where the gender factor kicks in: The female star has the clear advantage—especially when she sniffily casts suspicions and aspersions on her former beau’s own, gender-related conundrums.

His response? None at all. He is best advised to keep his cool and take the high road. After a few weeks, however, his team should subtly “remind” viewers and readers of how talented, generous, sports-minded and macho he really is.

And, when that works? It’s time to celebrate: The damage has been controlled.