New leash on life, grave of indiscretion and other boob-tube booboos

ILLUSTRATION BY NASTASHA VERAYO

HOST: Are you happy about your new role in this hit show?

Guest: Oh, yes, it gave my career a new leash on life!

(Good for you—woof! woof!)

* * *

Host: What do you want to say to your many viewers?

Guest: Salamat po sa inyo na patuloy na tumutusok sa show namin!

(Tumutusok? Tumututok? —Ano ba talaga, kuya?)

* * *

Host: How’s your love life now?

Guest: Oh, never mind that na lang.

Host: What? You don’t want to get hurt again?

Guest: Basta, I don’t want in love again!

(E ’di wow.)

* * *

Host: What is your advice to (controversial politician)?

Guest: He has to apologize, because he has committed a grave of indiscretion.

(—Wow, when you put it that way!)

* * *

Host: About the fire last night, how come the damage was not as bad as other warehouse and factory fires?

Official: Because of the spinker system.

(The…what?)

* * *

Host: Why are you working so hard these day? You must be exhausted!

Guest: Yes, but we all have to for Christmas, for to buy gifts, for all your different people!

(Ano daw?)

* * *

Host: As a psychic, what is your prediction for next year?

Guest: I hope, good or bad, it will be such a tragedy!

(—What do you mean?!)

* * *

Host: Do you love to travel?

Guest: Oh, I really love it!

Host: To you, what’s the most beautiful European city?

Guest: Oh, definitely Paris!

Host: When was the last time you went there?

Guest: Never yet—but I really love it!

(No comment!)

* * *

Host: What is your secret for success that you can share with our viewers?

Guest: To get what you want, your highest goal in life, you have to totally mind set!

(Ah, please translate?)

* * *

Host: What have you learned from this latest breach in security?

Official: It’s very clear, we need to put new insecurity measures in place!

(Wow, you’ve made us even more—insecure!)

* * *

Host: What about the many passenger complaints about delayed and canceled flights that you have been receiving?

Another official: We have to work even harder to reduce all the inconvenient passengers!

(Isa ka pa!)