Mixunderstanding, 197sex and other boob-tube booboos

READER’S REQUEST: “For Christmas, please give us a new compilation of Boob-tube Booboos!” —Happy to oblige!

Host: Is it true that you’re having a big feud with (name of star)?

Guest: No, no, it’s just a mixunderstanding!

(You crazy, mixed-up kid, you!)

***

Host: What’s the most memorable year in your life, thus far?

Guest: Oh, wait, let me think! —Hmmm, yes, I especially remember the events of 197sex!

(We’re not going to ask you why!)

***

Host: Why should we believe you, instead of your enemy?

Guest: Because he’s a known liar! He can lie with a straight teeth!

(Hey, that’s quite a trick!)

***

Host: Do you think this big controversy can still be ironed out?

Guest: Of course—as long as both sides of the issue will be negotiatied by the farties involved!

(—But, no farting, please!)

***

Host: Did you do well in school?

Guest: Well, as a matter of fact, I graduated ballet-victorian!

(Wow, dance diva!)

***

Host: What can you say about your kids?

Guest: I love them, but frankly, they’re sometimes hard to handle—they’re growing up slow fast!

(Make up your mind!)

Most unusual dish

Host: What’s the most unusual dish you’ve ever eaten?

Guest: Oh, definitely the one with roast chicken hen na may isang chicken pa sa loob—at egg pa sa loob ng second chicken!

(That sounds so—complicated!)

***

Host: How old is your fiancé?

Guest: He’s only in his lately 20s!

(—Just answer the question as simply as possible—please!)

***

Host: How are you handling the active volcano?

Guest: Honestly, araw-araw, kinakausap ko ang Mayon na hindi na lang siya pumutok!

(At ano naman ang sagot ni Mayon?!)

***

Host: How did the lone casualty of the typhoon in your area die?

Guest: Na-suffocate s’ya through the neck!

(Grrr, sumasakit ang ulo namin sa ’yo!)

***

Host: How can we live safely in these dangerous times?

Guest: That’s really a very difficult question, because there’s danger everywhere, anytime—like, pwede kang mamatay mag-cross ka lang sa street ng road!

(—Isa ka pa!)

***

Host: Who are you proudest of?

Guest: Of course, ang aking dalawang unico hijo!

(Dalawa? Unico? —Ano ba talaga, kuya?)