By revisiting painful past, Josh Cullen of SB19 finds his purpose

The trauma, the sadness, the pain—Josh Cullen could have chosen to just keep them all to himself. That way, he wouldn’t have to subject himself to the agony of revisiting them.

But as difficult as it was to comb through his childhood memories and career hardships, he felt that putting them in an album could lead to newfound lessons, or at the very least, help him make sense of the pieces of his past that slip through the cracks every so often.

From those old wounds arose “Lost & Found” (Sony Music Philippines), Josh’s debut solo album that charts his journey toward redemption and inner truth amid the sense of loss that had long pervaded his life.

“I’m super satisfied that people will finally get to hear my stories. The reason I mustered the courage to share them is because I want people to believe in themselves, too. For me, this was a big move,” the singer-songwriter and SB19 member told the Inquirer in a one-on-one interview.

The angst and frustration is immediately palpable in the opening track, “1999,” whose guttural, staccato-like chorus had Josh sounding like he was singing through gritted teeth.

The track sets the tone for the rest of the album. While better known as a rapper in SB19, “Lost & Found” marks Josh’s reconnection to his rock, emo and pop-punk roots.

The 30-year-old knew that confronting the past would be the hardest part of the creative process. In fact, he thought he would only be able to come up with one song. But before he knew it, he had unwittingly opened the floodgates.

“When I remember the trauma, the experiences, the struggles … the songs started to come out naturally. And while I was doing the music and lyrics, I thought, ‘OK, so this is what the process is like,’” Josh related. “Writing came easy, but facing my emotions at the beginning was anything but.”

What was it like revisiting past traumas?

It’s like, here’s my story, but it’s all jumbled. I remember the traumas, I just didn’t know where to place them.

This album gave me a template of sorts. I laid all the memories out one by one. And now, I can revisit them any time I want. Each song pertains to specific experiences and triggers certain flashbacks.

Some are happy, some are sad. But the important thing is that I was able to create something out of my experiences. Nothing will beat songs like that. Authenticity is everything.

Take us through the album’s creative process.

It all came together quickly. It took me probably a month.

The creatives and I brainstormed: “How should I define my album? What’s the most interesting thing about me that I can share with everyone?” I couldn’t come up with anything but my story.

The struggles, the pain, the entirety of me; I believe that’s one of a kind. It was hard. People worried about me because I was vulnerable during the process. They would ask me, “Kakayanin mo ba talaga?”

So all nine songs were written in a month?

I don’t know how I did it, to be honest. First of all, I barely slept. The people around me know that. I will work during the day, record at night, write … everything. I would sleep for one to two hours. I was getting sick—all that, halo-halo na.

Actually, while I was recording “1999,” I had a really bad cold. My voice was hoarse. I guess that’s one of the reasons the grit and anger came out. I was frustrated because it had to happen while I was recording, and I was worried I wasn’t going to finish the album.

Some people were surprised with the shift from hip-hop/urban to more melodic alt-rock. There’s also some emo and pop-punk in there.

We just assign genres to songs so we can categorize them. But for me, there are no boundaries. As part of a pop group, I mostly rap and I’m really heavy on hip-hop. But I love all sorts of music. I’m the type of person who has more likes than dislikes. I’m very open. When I hear something new, my first reaction is never, “I don’t like that.”

I’m at a place where I feel like music should have no limits. But yeah, aside from punk-rock, I incorporated ultra pop, which isn’t as popular here in the Philippines. Elements of electronic dance music are also there.

I guess I just want to try things that aren’t usual. That’s what gives me satisfaction, being able to do what I want to do as an artist.

Did you already know beforehand that this was going to be the sound?

Not totally. I had ideas, but there were some things that came up on the spot. For some songs, it was only after I heard them in full that I realized that I should do this or that. The songs usually go through different stages of evolution.

The emo influence really shines in “Silent Cries,” “Honest” and “No Control.” Are you a fan of the genre?

Oo naman! Emo and pop-punk were trendy back in the day, so there really was no escaping them. Personally, I’m a super fan of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy and Paramore.

Those were my main influences before I got into hip-hop. So this is not new to me. I can actually say that, in a way, it’s more of my home compared to rap.

But did you also go through the whole emo look, the fashion?

I would say, yes, pero ‘di naman todo-todo! Do you know the anime “Death Note”? My hair inspiration was Light Yagami (the main protagonist).

What was on your playlist while you were working on the album?

I had no time to listen to anything else. I couldn’t afford to waste time. I was thinking of melodies and lyrics at any given time. I was focused on what I was working on.

Why was there so much urgency?

I had a deadline. It was mission impossible, if you think about it. The people I worked with asked, “Are you serious?” And I would be like, “I’m serious!” They thought what I was trying to accomplish was too ambitious. But it worked. I was persistent. When I want something to happen, I will make it happen.

So how does it feel now that the album is finally out. What’s being a solo artist like for you?

When I see that people relate to the music, when I hear that it gives them motivation and inspiration, that really fuels me. It makes me think that I’m going in the right direction.

I’m not doing this just to flex or magyabang. I do think that I have a purpose… And reading people’s comments about my album, I was touched. Naiiyak talaga ako.