As ‘retro’ as they come

Movies about, for and by women have come a long way – but you wouldn’t think so after seeing “Monte Carlo,” which is as “retro” in spirit as they come.

Ironically, the movie is about three young American girls on a Parisian wingding. But, its escapist, “female fantasy” elements are as old as the Hollywood hills.

Adding to the irony, a scene in the film shows a film of Grace Kelly and Cary Grant in Monaco, before she became the principality’s Princess Grace – and the 2011 movie looks and feels quite similar to the ’50s production! Most ironically of all, the makers of “Monte Carlo” don’t seem to be even aware of the irony.

In the “rom-com for girls,” teen star Selena Gomez plays a working class high-school graduate who scrapes up enough money to spend a week in Paris with an older waitress. At the last minute, the daughter of her mother’s new love joins them so she and Selena’s character can “bond” and get over their hidden resentment for each other.

Imagine their shock when their budget tour is suddenly transformed into a top-of-the-line, all-expenses-paid vacation in Monaco, because Selena is mistaken for her exact look-alike, a young British heiress named Cordelia –?!

The shock turns to utter exhilaration and delight when the three young Americans on the lam are pampered “to death,” dressed in designer duds and drenched in jewels worth millions of euros – and even end up each with a handsome beau to call her very own!

Of course, the big, million-euro question is, how do they get away with is? Simple, they have this movie’s writer and director firmly and even fiercely on their side, slap-happily fantasticating away the rude logic of reality.

Ga-ga ride

So, don’t expect “Monte Carlo” to be a believable viewing experience, just go along for the ga-ga ride!

The most improbable moment in the movie is when the fake Cordelia is “forced” to clumsily play a match of celebrity polo – and isn’t laughed off the field. That’s when we throw our hands figuratively and literally up in the air and just submit ourselves to the movie’s mind-boggling fantasies.

Despite our utter capitulation, however, we still aren’t prepared for the movie’s finale, which cheerfully but ineptly tries to tie up its many loose ends with a facile and most dubious facsimile of “logic.”

Star Selena Gomez has special problems of her own in this production. Since she’s playing both the fake and the real Cordelia, she’s safe in the “twin-looks” department. On point of characterization, however, she’s all messed up, because her fake Cordelia lacks dynamism and innate likability, and her real Cordelia is awkward and gauche, instead of believably “young British heiress and world-famous socialite” in feel and projection.

It also doesn’t help that Selena’s female co-stars are all too obviously much better actresses than she is. While she merely mumbles and stumbles, they do fuller justice to their roles’ possibilities, leaving her far, far behind. For the film’s most popular star, that should never, ever do.