Mindeny, well-rare steaks and other boob-tube booboos

HOST: If I want you to design a sofa for my house, how do I go about it?

Guest: First, you have to tell me what you want, like is it softly or hardly covered?

(Ah, come again?)

* * *

Host: What will the weather be like tomorrow?

Weatherman: Tomorrow, it will be fair weather for the country—except for some showers in the south, especially in Mindeny.

(Mindeny? —Where’s that? —You said it, don’t deny it!)

* * *

Host: If I want to be a star, what should I do?

Guest: You have to prepare yourself and your talents really well, before you can get on the show biz door!

(Ah, I want to go through that door, not on it!)

* * *

Host: How do you feel about your decision to try your luck in show biz in the States? It’s a big move!

Guest: Well, parang mixed emotions—may  excitement, kasama ng konting lungkot.

(Yeah, we guess that’s what is meant by “mixed emotions”!)

***

Host: As a new actor, what are you prepared to do for your director?

Guest: Anything. —Everything!

Host: Like what, for example?

Guest: In a slap, paiiyakin mo ako, kaya ko!

(Slap him, quick!)

***

Field reporter: Ang lindol ay isang malagim na kabanata sa buhay ng mga nakatira sa lugar na ito. Ito’y nagdulot ng malaking pinsala sa kabuhayan at kamatayan!

(No comment!)

***

Host: When do you practice with your new band?

Guest: As often as I can find time. But most of the time, after my work sa trabaho.”

(Wow, work na, trabaho pa!)

***

Host: When you eat steak in a good restaurant, how do you like your steak  cooked—rare, medium or well-done?

Guest: Oh, I like it well-rare!

(—Make up your mind!)

***

Host: What do you want to say to your critics who accuse you of so many crimes?

Guest: Well, if they have proof, they should come out with hard evidence, so that files can be charged in court!

(—Ah, baliktad yata?)

***

Host: How can there finally be peace in Mindanao?

Guest: The Army has to be more active—dapat salakayin nila ang mga layer ng MILF!

(Salakayin ang mga layer? —Oh, ang mga lair!)

***

Host: How often do you ride the jeepney?

Guest: Minsan sa isang linggo, limang araw.

(—Ah, is that  the new math?)