The ‘gospel’ according to Forrest Gump

ANTIC ‘advice’ from the screen’s most lovable simpleton.

FANS OF “Forrest Gump,” the movie and its fey protagonist, will be tickled pink to know that Winston Groom, the author of the novel on which the hit movie was based, has come out with a droll compilation of “Gump-isms,” the better to prove that, as P.J. O’Rourke puts it in his introduction, “We should never hesitate to listen to a fool about life—because life is pretty foolish.”

The movie’s most lovable simpleton and hero leads off with a piece of “idiot-savant” advice that should go over big in these parts:

If you can’t sing good, sing loud! (Right, Anne?)

Forrest’s next reminder could save a lot of stars and starlets from having to issue frantic denials to douse the conflagrations that their thoughtless remarks periodically set off:

Nobody got into trouble by keeping his mouth shut! (Got that, Annabelle?)

Now that we’ve warmed up, enjoy the rest of the wit and wisdom of Forrest Gump—no further comments needed!

Do not try to cut your own hair.

Dream, but don’t quit your day job!

If you see a line, go stand in it. —It probably can’t hurt.

Never trust nobody who says he never took a drink in his life!

Don’t pick a fight with somebody that is really ugly-looking.

Always save enough money for one phone call—and one use of a pay toilet.

If you go to the zoo, always take something to feed the animals—even if the signs tell you not to feed them. (After all, it wasn’t the animals that put those signs up!)

Always be ready to take a chance—look at what it did for Rocky.

When you think you’ve sunk real low, beat yourself hard on the foot for a while. —At least, you will feel better when you stop!

Put Tabasco sauce on everything you eat—this way, you can eat very cheap!

Whatever you do, try to have a reason to do it.

You may be an idiot, but try not to be stupid.

Do not suck your thumb—or anybody else’s, for that matter.

Always be nice to your mama.

Most people don’t look dumb until they start talking.

Do not eat anything you do not know what it is.

If you got to cry, do it by yourself—and be quick about it!

Life is like a rubber band—the harder you go forward, the harder you snap back.

When you feel there is an unfair burden on your shoulders, that’s just the way it is sometimes.

To save energy, do not go out looking for trouble—chances are, it will find you soon enough.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar—but, you can also catch more flies with garbage than with either of them (assuming you are into catching flies).

—Thanks, Forrest. Life is like a box of chocolates. —Yum!