Steven’s cryptic denial

Steven Tyler, the lead singer of rock band Aerosmith, denied that a heart attack and a seizure had forced him to bid arrivederci to the four remaining stops of the band’s South American leg of his “Aero-Vederci Baby!” concert tour.

“I give you all an A+ for creative speculation. But I certainly didn’t have a heart attack or a seizure,” the 69-year-old musician wrote in statement posted on Aerosmith’s official website.

“It breaks my heart to have left this tour early,” Steven continued. “The band has never played better—just watch the 100,000 people at ‘Rock in Rio.’ We’ve been to Tel Aviv to Russia to Rio, and all in between. I guess it’s true what they say, ‘That life’s a pisser when eu’re a peein.’”

The rumors about the heart attack and seizure circulated after Aerosmith announced that it was canceling its tour due to Steven having “unexpected medical issues” and needing “immediate care.” The recent statement, however, did little to clarify issues regarding Steven’s health.

“I had to have a procedure that only my doctor in the States could perform,” he said.—ALLAN POLICARPIO