ILLUSTRATION BY JEVON E. LUMAGUI
Host: What is your hope for our nation?
Official: I hope we will have the optimism not to keep looking down at our problems, but to look up and find, like, a slice in the sky!
(You mean, like flying pizza?)
* * *
Host: How long have you been singing?
Guest: Bata pa lang ako, sumasali na ako sa mature singing contest.
(How—precocious!)
* * *
Host: What is the right attitude if you join a contest?
Guest: Just do your best—you either you win or you lose!
(You’re so right—you!)
* * *
Host: I hear you have a room full of toys?
Guest: Oh, yes, I love toys!
Host: What is your favorite toy in the whole world?
Guest: Oh, I really love—teddy beers!
(—Bottoms up!)
Owning guns
Host: Why are you against most people owning guns?
Guest: Because many people are happy triggers!
(Ah, don’t you mean—trigger-happy?)
* * *
Host: What are our country’s biggest exports?
Guest: Ah, I think—our singers?
(Oh, right—the really big ones!)
* * *
Host: Why is your resort so popular?
Guest: Of course, our beautiful beach and tourist sights for a smooth vacation. —And we also don’t allow violence.
(You mean, other resorts do?!)
* * *
Host: Why do you prefer to do comedy rather than drama?
Guest: I don’t know—but, if I do drama, I feel—nahihiya ako to shed shameless tears!
(Wow, when you put it that way—!)
* * *
Host: Why did you say yes to your new boyfriend?
Guest: Because, he’s like a horse.
Host: What do you mean?!
Guest: He was so fast to propose—ang bilis!
(What a relief—for a moment there, we didn’t know where you were going with that equine analogy . . .)
* * *
Host: What’s so special about your new beauty product?
Guest: It’s economical, yet it does many different things. Aside from getting rid of pimples, it also widens your skin.
(Uh, thanks—but no, we don’t want that!)