Illustration by nastasha verayo-de villa
WHEN PEOPLE began referring to Mayor Rodrigo Duterte as the country’s “presumptive” president, we got worried.
The possibility of somebody making a goofy, woofy mistake was just so huge—it was like we were begging for it.
Well, true enough, only a few days later, we caught a TV newscaster making the facile flub—referring to Duterte as the country’s “presumptuous president.” Bull’s-eye.
That’s why we were happy some days later to hear other radio-TV people discussing the advisability of continuing to use the word “presumptive” to refer to our next president, who used to be referred to as “incoming.” That seemed to serve the purpose just fine—without the danger of mistaking the descriptive “presumptive” to the more potentially judgmental “presumptuous!”
More boob-tube booboos for the month:
Host: Why did you buy a yacht?
Guest: So I can travel anytime I want—to far-flying islands all over the country!
(Why not fly instead—as all those islands are apparently doing?)
***
Host: How often do we get to see your folks in the province?
Guest: I try hard to visit them as often as every when!
(Ah, please translate?)
***
Host: I hear you shop in Divisoria a lot. Why?
Guest: Because the price, I can save back 50 percent!
(Do tell…)
***
Host: How can we all help to improve the peace and order situation?
Guest: We shouldn’t only depend on the police. All citizens should be watchful and acute a criminal in action!
(Uh, we guess we agree with you—but huwag lang pa-cute, OK?)
***
Host: How’s the security in your disco? It’s so popular and is patronized by so many people, so is security a problem?
Guest: Most of the time, it’s OK. We only step in when there are fit fights.
(What kind of fights are those? Are they similar to hissy fits?)
***
Host: What were you doing in Cebu last week?
Guest: I was looking for an unknown relative.
(If he or she is “unknown,” how did you know whom to look for?)
***
Host: How do your students take your lectures in this new field that you’re pioneering?
Guest: Many can follow them well, but some find it hard to graps!
(—We don’t blame them!)
***
Field reporter: Paano nasugatan ang biktima?
Barangay official: Nabulunan.
Reporter: Ho?!
Official: Ah, nagulungan pala!
(That makes much more sense.)
***
Host: What about your particular industry needs improving?
Guest: Industry-wide, we have a low goat rate!
(Why not just—breed more goats?)