ILLUSTRATION BY NASTASHA VERAYO
HOST: Are you happy about your new role in this hit show?
Guest: Oh, yes, it gave my career a new leash on life!
(Good for you—woof! woof!)
* * *
Host: What do you want to say to your many viewers?
Guest: Salamat po sa inyo na patuloy na tumutusok sa show namin!
(Tumutusok? Tumututok? —Ano ba talaga, kuya?)
* * *
Host: How’s your love life now?
Guest: Oh, never mind that na lang.
Host: What? You don’t want to get hurt again?
Guest: Basta, I don’t want in love again!
(E ’di wow.)
* * *
Host: What is your advice to (controversial politician)?
Guest: He has to apologize, because he has committed a grave of indiscretion.
(—Wow, when you put it that way!)
* * *
Host: About the fire last night, how come the damage was not as bad as other warehouse and factory fires?
Official: Because of the spinker system.
(The…what?)
* * *
Host: Why are you working so hard these day? You must be exhausted!
Guest: Yes, but we all have to for Christmas, for to buy gifts, for all your different people!
(Ano daw?)
* * *
Host: As a psychic, what is your prediction for next year?
Guest: I hope, good or bad, it will be such a tragedy!
(—What do you mean?!)
* * *
Host: Do you love to travel?
Guest: Oh, I really love it!
Host: To you, what’s the most beautiful European city?
Guest: Oh, definitely Paris!
Host: When was the last time you went there?
Guest: Never yet—but I really love it!
(No comment!)
* * *
Host: What is your secret for success that you can share with our viewers?
Guest: To get what you want, your highest goal in life, you have to totally mind set!
(Ah, please translate?)
* * *
Host: What have you learned from this latest breach in security?
Official: It’s very clear, we need to put new insecurity measures in place!
(Wow, you’ve made us even more—insecure!)
* * *
Host: What about the many passenger complaints about delayed and canceled flights that you have been receiving?
Another official: We have to work even harder to reduce all the inconvenient passengers!
(Isa ka pa!)