Boob-tube booboos. Illustration by Nastasha Verayo
HOST: Your new hotel is quite big for a boutique establishment. How many rooms do you have?
Guest: Oh, we have 50 rooms, which compromise different categories.
(Compromise? Oh, you mean comprise!)
* * *
Host: What were the sexy models in the daring fashion show wearing?
Guest: Because it was supposed to be sexy, they were dressed only in very skimpy tires!
(—Isa ka pa.)
* * *
Host: What is your resort’s best attraction?
Guest: Aside from the fantastic view, of course the warm of our hospitality!
(Mmm, we do feel that we’re getting warm—under the collar!)
* * *
Host: And what makes your restaurant’s signature dish so good?
Guest: If you can smell and taste it, which is has a coconut syrup!
(Ah—come again?)
* * *
Host: Why so many billions of dollars for debt payment?
Guest: Because it’s needed to retain our fiscal reputation—
pambayad ng utang panlaba ng bansa!
(Are you sure it’s not for money laundering?)
* * *
Host: Why are there so many senate investigations these days?
Guest: It’s all for investigation in aid of registration.
(Quote, unquote!)
* * *
Host: Your unusual, ice-cold tourist attraction must be expensive to maintain, with so many ice sculptures around?
Guest: Oh, yes, that’s why we have 20 ice sculpturers to keep producing them!
(Ah, ice sculptors will do just fine…)
* * *
Host: Your office keeps getting criticized a lot in the media these days. How do you cope?
Guest: Well, it’s part of the job, we just have to brave for more.
(You mean brace, don’t you?)
* * *
Host: What will happen to your political party in the next elections?
Guest: We will just do our best to win—after then that, we don’t know yet.
(—Ano daw?!)
* * *
Host: If you were president, what would be one of your priority objectives?
Guest: One of them definitely would be to resolve our conflict with China over—what’s that—
the Scarbory Shores?
(—We’re so glad you aren’t president!)
* * *
Host: You’re always criticizing the government. What’s your beef, ba?
Guest: Well, it’s obvious—our leaders have severe lack of poor sight!
(Poor sight? Poor sight? —Oh, foresight! —Poor you!)
* * *
Host: What have all of your experiences taught you about life?
Guest: That, sa finger lang, pwedeng mawala ang lahat!
(Wow, that sounds so—confusing? —What has your finger have to do with anything?)
* * *
Host: When was the last time you went on a pilgrimage?
Guest: Three years ago, to the Vatican, for the canonation of a saint.
(How many cannons were fired?)