Illustration by NASTASHA VERAYO
News anchor: What do we have for our viewers tonight?
Coanchor: Since the weather is so bad, why don’t we start with the weather fore cat?
(Ah, she didn’t show up—you know how cats hate getting wet!)
***
Host: So, is your new restaurant ready for the big opening?
Guest: Almost, except for the antique front door, it’s just nearly painted.
(How can anything be “nearly” painted?)
***
Host: What advice do you have for young people who want to succeed like you?
Guest: Above all, kailangan sa kanila, make sure na manatili pa rin ang humble!
(Do tell!)
***
Host: What to you is beauty?
Contestant: Ah, for me, beauty is not the only quality of a prison!
(We hope not!)
***
Host: What are the signs of a really promising cook?
Guest: First, a real cook is not allowed to use adjectives.
(Adjectives? Adjectives? —Oh, additives!)
Disturbance
Newscaster: What’s the latest on the weather for tomorrow?
Guest: The weather disturbance seen earlier today is not expected to become a typhoon, but it’s intensing the rainy season!
(Congratulations, you’ve just coined a new word!)
***
Host: What did you do when you suspected that your husband was fooling around?
Guest: I followed him like FIB, to catch him in the act!
(FIB? FIB? —Oh, you mean the FBI!)
***
Host: So, did your friend (name of celebrity) really quit the production?
Guest: Yes, she really did.
Host: For sure? How did you know?
Guest: Because she gave me a blue-by-blue account!
(That colorful, huh?)
***
Anchor: Do you have any update on the jailbreak last night?
Field reporter: Yes, the latest development is that some escaped convicts have already been captured. Ang iba namang mga puga, kusang tumakas!
Anchor: —Ano?
Field reporter: Ah, correction, kusang sumuko pala!
(No comment!)
Civic group
Host: What did your civic group do after your recent medical mission?
Guest: After that, namigay kami ng mga giveaway!
(—Obvious ba? Kaya nga “giveaway” ang tawag doon, ’no?)
***
Host: What is your new goal for yourself this year?
Guest: I want to learn something new!
Host: Oh, like what?
Guest: Gusto kong maging tetchie!
(—As in Tetchie Agbayani? —Oh, you mean techie!)
***
Host: What have you learned about life so far?
Guest: I’ve learned to simplify. Like, I learned that you don’t need all this fancy thing you need!
(That sounds so profound, but what does it mean?)
***
Host: What made shooting your new movie especially hard?
Guest: It was fun, but it was hard because we had to do it in such a short time of time!
(Isa ka pa!)
***
Host: What irritates you these days?
Guest: When you go out without any money, so you go to withdraw, but there are some defective LBM machines, so wala din—!
(Anong LBM? —ATM!)