Eternal bleeding, poultry electrical wiring and other boob-tube booboos

HOST: Is this new medicine for the blood safe to take?

Guest: With the advice of your doctor, yes. If you do it on your own, however, you could be prone to eternal bleeding.

(Yikes, we definitely don’t want that!)

* * *

Host: What was the cause of the big fire that razed your barangay last month?

Guest: As far as the fire investigators found out, it was probably poultry electrical wiring.

(—Oh, those poor, barbecued  chickens!)

* * *

Host: Will our country’s economy be better this year? What is your expert opinion?

Guest: Well, you know, there are actually so many pro and con factors that it’s actually not all that cut and dry—!

(—Hmm, thanks for your expertly prevaricating opinion!)

* * *

Host: What is your advice to young graduates who want to have a good career?

Guest: Most important, always be sure to keep your feet in the ground.

(That’s great advice—if you’re a tree!)

* * *

Host: What about prospective beauty queens, what’s your advice to them?

Guest: To be a successful beauty queen, it is not only in the ramp.

(—Well, it goes without saying!)

* * *

Host: How can we make more people aware of the need to prepare for coming natural disasters like storms, floods and earthquakes?

Guest: We have to make them see that, with disasters, talagang malaki ang pinsala sa kabuhayan at kamatayan!

(—Gulp!)

* * *

Host: What can you say about this beautiful gown created by our featured up-and-coming fashion designer?

Guest: It’s beautiful and unique, something that any sophisticated lady would be proud to wear for a baptismal wedding!

(What’s that—when the bride has already given birth?!)

Big  changes

Host: I haven’t seen you for more than a year, and frankly, I’m surprised to see the big changes in you!

Guest: Oh, really? Like what?

Host: Like, you have lost so much weight—you have so many more muscles now!

(Uh, no, same number—they just got bigger!)

* * *

Host: What did you like most about your girlfriend when you first met her?

Guest: She was really different—from the very start, hindi sya yung usual babae na depending!

(Oh, that’s so important!)

* * *

Host: You have been getting a lot of negative reactions—what are you going to do about them?

Guest: Well, one thing for sure, I will not allow all of those unfair accusations to be hurled at me while sitting down!

(Yeah, you’re such a stand-up kind of guy!)

* * *

Host: So, you’re finally admitting what you denied before, that you and (name of starlet) are engaged?

Guest: Yes, because everybody was so insistent. Kung kami lang, we wanted to let it public later pa!

(Do tell!)

* * *

Host: I thought your special friend was going to be a guest in your show?

Guest: Oo, pero nagkasakit siya.

Host: Oh, that’s too bad—

Guest: Pero, OK na sya ngayon. —Get well soon, ha?

(Akala ko ba, OK na sya—?!)

* * *

Host: Looking back on your career’s ups and downs, what is your general evaluation?

Guest: I know that some people think I failed but what I want to say to them is, actually, I was successful without the knowing of the people!

(Well, if you say so!)

* * *

Host: What surprises do you have lined up for your concert?

Guest: Oh, so many—we have too many surprises awaiting to all!

(Promise, ha?)

* * *

Host: So, you admit that, a long time ago, you knew (name of controversial star)?

Guest: I admit, but that was so long ago nung naliligo pa ako sa kanya!

(—Too much information!)

* * *

Host: What’s your relationship with your ex like now?

Guest: Oh, it’s OK. Actually, when we were fighting, she wasn’t mad at me, it was somebody else—kaya lang, ako ang napagbuntalan niya ng galit!

Napagbuntalan? Napagbuntunan? —Take your pick!)