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Pageant for a cost, want to heighter, dooding good and other boob-tube booboos

/ 12:02 AM February 27, 2016
illustration by nastasha verayo-de villa

illustration by nastasha verayo-de villa

Host: Are you a religious person?

Guest: Yes, very—I’m what you call Catolico sagrado.

(Actually, we call you Catolico cerrado!)

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***

Host: What advice can you give young people today to live a good, meaningful life?

Guest: It’s what I follow myself in my own life—you just have to dood good.

(Ah, thanks a lot—Mr. Manzano!)

***

Host: If you could be convinced to join a beauty pageant—

Guest: No, I don’t want to—

Host: But, if you could be convinced, what kind of pageant would you choose?

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Guest: If—if only, ha?—it would have to be a beauty pageant for a cost.

(Cost? Cause? —Oh, never mind!)

***

Host: Tell us about your neighborhood, your community here.

Guest: Ang mga matatanda dito, puro senior citizen.

(—We should hope so!)

Business venture

Host: Why did you quit your full-time office job and start your small business venture?

Guest: Because, let’s face it, my office job was not enough financially compintating.

(—Ano daw?)

***

Host: How can a new singer win a big singing contest, like you have? Give them some tips.

Guest: Most important, you have to think of something, a gimmick, na gusto mo ma-outshine!

(Outshine? Shine-out? —Mali pa rin!)

***

Host: As a fashion designer, why do you favor using belts in your gown and dress designs?

Guest: Because with a belt, you’ll see a waist especially if you’re bigger.

(—Ah, please translate?)

***

Host: What other pointers, can you share for looking fashionable, or for covering up a physical flaw?

Guest: If you have a problem like height, think of what you should wear if you want to heighter!

(Tagalugin mo na kasi…)

Formal date

Host: What should a girl wear on a formal date if she wants to impress her boyfriend?

Guest: A long gown is always good to impress—unless she doesn’t want the hassle of wearing trains.

(Oh yes, wearing trains is such a heavy hassle!)

***

Host: Why did you quit your call center job?

Guest: Because, as an agent, I have like few earnings there!

(We know what you, mean…)

****

Host: How about the best makeup, what can you advise our viewers who want to look great on a special date?

Guest: For the best makeup, just make sure that your foundation is bended.

(Bended? Blended? —Huwag lang bent!)

***

Host: Why did you choose your signature model as the best one to promote your new line of eye makeup?

Guest: Because she’s very Asian in projection—she has an almond eye.

(Let’s hope she has two of them!)

Best hairstyle

Host: Now let’s talk about hairstyles—what is the best hairstyle for an evening affair or event?

Guest: The choice is so wide, depends sa ’chura.

(Hmp, ’chura lang!)

***

Host: Why are you feuding with (name of starlet)?

Guest: Because she keeps saying things against me and then the next time, she’s sobrang papuri naman. —Ang gulo, masyadong maraming kutkut balungut!

(Ay, kutkut! Ay, balungut!)

***

Host: As a caregiver by profession, how many people have you cared for since you started?

Guest: Four before—but I don’t know if they’re still alive…

(You aren’t very good at your job, are you?!)

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